As John Cusack let moviegoers know last winter, the year 2012 marks the end of a 5,125-year Mayan calendar that many say predicts the end of the world as we know it. We feel fine though, because the Mayans based this premonition on catastrophic astrological events, and neither the Sun, Moon or the stars seem to be off-balance at the moment.
Perhaps the Mayans weren’t speaking in astrological terms when they foresaw the end of all things five millennia in the future? It’s unlikely that they anticipated the arrival of the Three Whores of the Great Apocalypse - Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nancy Pelosi - and their permeation of pop culture, but after all, these early Yucatan inhabitants did create one of the first numerical systems.
It will surely be the end of us when our daughters grow up wanting to fill the shoes of talentless, cracked-out starlets like Lohan and Hilton or lousy excuses for politicians like Pelosi.
The odds were pretty favorable that Earth would simply explode when Lohan’s Georgia Rule was released to movie theaters in 2007, but luckily we averted that disaster, although movie reviewers surely wanted to blow up the cineplex after sitting through the critical disaster. Now, with news coming out that Lohan wants to open her own drug rehab center, I don’t know that our civilization will fare so well. First of all, who wants to take sober coaching from a 23-year-old “actress” who can’t keep herself out of a rehab center for two weeks? Secondly, how is she going to finance such a venture when she spends all of her expendable income on scoring hits and buying plastic surgery for her mother?
Come to think of it, Lohan would have at least one patient in fellow no-talent twenty-something Hilton, the heiress to the family’s world-famous, eponymous hotel chain. Around Halloween, the star of One Night in Paris was pictured with her two squirrel-sized dogs dressed up in ridiculous duckling and skunk costumes that all but confirmed she was strung out on something good when wrestling to put the outfits on those little rascals.  Paris must have a whole closet full of these little rat sizes pooches just hanging on a rack each in their own custom made colorful Prada doggy bag waiting to be worn like some fashion accessory!  I mean this girl changes dogs like I change lures on a bad day of fishing!
Meanwhile, something is definitely clouding the mind of Pelosi (D-California), the incumbent Speaker of the House of Representatives. The first female Speaker ever is expected to be unseated from the position in January when Congress reconvenes with a Republican-led House, yet she is throwing a party “honoring the accomplishments” of Congress over the past few years. Ironically, the only accomplishment I can think of is getting her out of the Speaker’s chair. Now, if only somebody could come along and usurp Lohan and Hilton too...
Personally I think all these girls need to follow in the foot steps of Britney Spears and come on down here to Costa Rica to do a little fishing and detox!

But what do I know I'm not the sharpest hook in the tackle box!

Capt. Jose,
Angry Marlin Sportfishing, Costa Rica
www.angrymarlin.com

It looks like the quirky and eccentric characters Randy Quaid portrayed in movies like Vacation, The Paper and Major League II didn’t require a lot of acting on the part of the 60-year-old.
After two run-ins with the law in the past 13 months, Quaid and his wife Evi fled to Canada and applied for refugee status there. They claimed that a group called the “Hollywood Star Whackers,” reportedly responsible for the deaths of several celebrities over the past few decades, were after them. This is somewhat of a coincidence, since it appears that the older brother of Dennis Quaid and his former-supermodel wife are charter members of the “Hollywood Star Whack-Jobs!”
In September 2009, the couple was caught stiffing a California innkeeper on a $10,000 bill, and although they later repaid it, Evi ending up having to serve 250 hours of community service for the crime. Then, this past September 18, they were charged with staying in a guest house without permission. They owned the house until 2007, when they sold it to the current owner, who is accusing them of causing $5,000 worth of damages to his property.
It’s unfortunate that the Quaids fled to Canada when Costa Rica would certainly welcome the quasi-celebrity couple and give them a much better chance at staying off the grid, away from the American authorities that are sure to snag them up soon. After all, “Asylum” is Costa Rica’s middle name, or at least it used to be. How are the Canucks getting all of the crazies to migrate north these days? It looks like we have some competition in the hide-a-loser business.  Sure, heading to Costa Rica would’ve added a couple thousand treacherous miles to their trip, but Jaco is a great place, especially in the middle of a Canadian winter!

So Randy now that your not going back to Hollywood and you need some work, I’m sure that we here at Angry Marlin Sportfishing in sunny warm Costa Rica could set you up with a real nice gig!  I'm just saying if your interested, I’ll give you and your wife some fun rewarding work as you also work on your legal case and upcoming screenplay!  I could use a couple that looks like they played on the hit TV show "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir"! You'd be perfect as a deckhand you old sea dog!  Did I mention its sunny nice and warm here and you could go fishing all day long!  Think about it this winter, aye, as the cold and clouds set in up there in Canada and you begin to forget what it was like to live in a place where it's sunny, nice and warm.  Who knows, maybe you could do some of your famous old Saturday Night Live impersonations, I bet you could even earn some good tips!  I know you have tons of other offers by now but I'm just saying it sounds interesting, call me!  I'll fly you down coach nonstop out of Vancouver so ya don't have to go through the US, ok?  Have your service call mine and we'll set the whole thing up......

But what do I know I'm not the sharpest hook in the tackle box!

Capt. Jose,
Angry Marlin Sportfishing, Costa Rica
www.angrymarlin.com

We didn’t need to know that Diana Tejada, former press secretary for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), was involved in a sham marriage with an illegal Lebanese immigrant to come to the conclusion that the Senator’s entire administration was phony.
Amid additional reports that some voting machines in Clark County, Nevada (the state’s biggest) were rigged to check the box next to Reid’s name, it looks like the 24-year political veteran could be ousted by Republican challenger Sharron Angle in the upcoming Senate elections. Will the man who once called Georg

e H.W. Bush “a wonderful man” but his son “a loser” end up more like 43rd President George W. Bush than he had hoped?
As those who were severely burned by Las Vegas’ Vdara hotel’s “death rays” know, the windows in Sin City are all transparent, and Reid should now realize that all back-door dealings and transgressions will eventually come to light. Where will the Senator turn to when Nevada gives him the cowboy boot? Why not Costa Rica?

So Harry, as you looking forward to your impending retirement heres some sound advice from an old salty captain. My 10 reasons why you should make the 3,000-mile trek south to sunny warm Costa Rica.

10.    Someone with such a fishy history should take up fishing full time!

9.    Angry Marlin Sportfishing will give him a new job baiting hooks in exchange for making the Democrats look so bad!
8.    We have plenty of casinos too!
7.    You can hang out with all of the hot Latina women you want Costa Rica is the “Las Vegas” of Central America!
6.    I’m sure you could stretch that meager little pension you’ll get and live like a king here!  
5.    With all the entitlement programs already in place here in Costa Rica this place already is exactly what he wanted to US to become.
4.    I hear Nancy Pelosi’s scouting out property here too!
3.    Mel Gibson’s place is available!
2.    Free Medical
1.    With all the Machete and shovel ready Jobs around here, it’s a unions Green Jobs Heaven!

But what do I know I'm not the sharpest hook in the tackle box!

Capt. Jose,
Angry Marlin Sportfishing, Costa Rica
www.angrymarlin.com

Politicians are often wary to swim too deep into the waters of religion, which made it all the more exciting when it was revealed that United States Senate candidate Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) worshipped my one and only savior, Aqua Buddha.    For those not in the know, GQ published an article in August detailing how, while a member of the NoZe Brotherhood at Baylor University, Paul tied up an anonymous woman, put a blindfold over her eyes, forced her to smoke marijuana and took her to a secluded creek where she was instructed to bow down before our Buddha. If there was ever a time for Paul to come clean to the public about his worship of the faceless deity it was then, but foul cries from his pious constituents and left-wing opposition caused him to claim it was all a “joke” as a form of damage control.    The irreverence shown towards the Aqua Buddha by Paul’s Democratic opponent Jack Conway is disgusting. In a TV ad meant to sway voters away from the more-controversial-at-the-moment Paul, Conway asks, “Why are there so many questions about Rand Paul?” My hope and prediction is that Conway will be shown no mercy in the aquatic afterlife, as Hell hath no fury like an Aqua Buddha scorned. While we’re on that topic, I believe that Paul must also take heed of the Buddha’s disdain for disloyalty and stand by his true faith if he wants to reach the highest level of hydro-heaven.    What have we become as a nation when an upstanding good ol’ boy like Paul must act ashamed for his devotion to his God? What makes our heavenly deity any less legitimate than those of religions that are, admittedly, more conventional? I’d certainly expect more than ruthless mudslinging from a country so reliant on the holy water! 

On a personal note ever since I've been a devout follower of Aqua Buddha, all of our fishing trips have produced plenty of fish making our clients happy! I also now have a new house and a color TV!  AMEN!

But what do I know I'm not the sharpest hook in the tackle box!

Capt. Jose,
Angry Marlin Sportfishing, Costa Rica
www.angrymarlin.com